I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
