so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
