Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
