you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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