Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
