I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
