i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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