My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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