also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
