theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
