Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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