I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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