Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
