If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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