I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
