i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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