How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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