My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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