We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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