I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Randomize
