i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
