I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
