Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
