I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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