Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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