So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
