i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dating After Heartbreak
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.