Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
it glows. i had to have it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
