I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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