Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
