textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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