When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
