phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.