help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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