Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
