if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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