i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
