i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
