That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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