Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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