I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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