I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
