I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
