She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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