Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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