i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
