I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just threw up on my dentist
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
