so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
