im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he was CRYING into my vagina
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
