I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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