a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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