Banned from zoo.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media