So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
