Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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