I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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